A phone call that changes everything. The moment when time stops. The awareness that someone who was just here—laughing, breathing, and existing—is now gone forever.
If you’re reading this, it’s likely that the death of someone close to you has flipped your world upside down. Perhaps it was your mother who always knew exactly what to say, your father who made you feel protected, a sibling who shared your childhood memories, or a grandparent who was your biggest supporter. Whoever it was, they took a piece of your heart with them as they went.
I want you to understand something very crucial right now: what you’re experiencing is sacred, not simply normal. Your sadness is love with nowhere to go, which makes it one of the most human experiences possible.
The Difference Between What’s Inside and What Shows
When people talk about sadness and grieving, they are referring to two distinct aspects of the same emotion. Grief is what’s going on in your heart—that crushing weight in your chest, the way your stomach drops when you realize they’re gone, the fury that comes out of nowhere, or the numbness that makes everything feel gray and distant.
Mourning is how that pain manifests in the world. It’s like crying in the grocery store when you discover their favorite cereal. It’s wearing their sweater because it still smells like them. It’s telling memories at a funeral, lighting candles on their birthday, or simply wanting to chat about them with anybody who will listen.
Some days, your pain remains concealed inside, while on other days it floods out everywhere. Both experiences are okay. Both are elements of loving someone so strongly that losing them tears you apart.
The Messy, Nonlinear Journey of Grief
You’ve probably heard of the “five stages of grief,” and while they might be useful, genuine sadness does not follow a set timeframe. It’s more like being tossed around by waves—sometimes you’re underwater, sometimes you catch your breath, and occasionally a wave comes out of nowhere just when you think you’re fine.
Denial is often the initial reaction because your brain simply cannot accept that the person is no longer with you. Sarah, who had lost her husband of thirty years, continued to set two dishes for dinner for several months. “I knew he wasn’t coming home,” she reflected, “but my heart hadn’t figured it out yet.”
Anger can be frightening, especially if you are not usually angry. You might feel outraged at them for abandoning you, at doctors for failing to save your loved ones, at God for allowing it to happen, or at friends whose loved ones are still alive. Michael found himself yelling at his deceased father’s picture: “How could you leave me to deal with Mom’s dementia alone?” The shame he felt afterwards was almost as bad as the fury.
Bargaining represents your mind’s desperate attempt to undo the unattainable. You may find yourself thinking, “If I just prayed hard enough,” or “If I had made them go to the doctor sooner,” or “If I promise to be a better person…” It is your heart’s effort to confront a reality that it cannot accept.
Depression is more than just melancholy; it’s a thick blanket of emptiness that makes getting out of bed seem difficult. Colors appear dull, food tastes like cardboard, and you wonder whether you’ll ever experience joy again. This is not weakness; it is your soul absorbing an unfathomable loss.
Acceptance does not imply that you are delighted they are gone or that you have “moved on.” It signifies you’ve discovered a method to keep their love with you while continuing to choose to live. As one mother who lost her teenage son put it, “I’ll never be okay with him being gone, but I can be okay with myself for learning to live without him.”
Remember that you may alternate between these stages, skip some entirely, or forge your own unique path through sorrow. There is no incorrect way to miss someone you love.
When Grief Lives in Your Body
Grief is more than simply an emotion; it is a full-body sensation that can make you feel physically broken.
Your heart may literally ache. The phrase “broken heart” arose because people do experience chest discomfort while grieving. You may feel as if you are unable to breathe, that someone is sitting on your chest, or that your heart is beating unevenly.
Sleep is either unattainable or your only escape. Some folks can’t sleep because their minds keep racing or they’re terrified of their dreams. Others sleep continually because that is the only time the pain subsides. Both are appropriate reactions to trauma.
Food loses meaning. Maybe you can’t eat because your stomach is in knots, or maybe you’re eating everything in sight because it’s the only thing that makes you feel better. Your mother might have been the one who always made sure you ate well, and now even the act of feeding yourself feels weird.
Your immune system suffers an attack. Don’t be shocked if you get sick more frequently or that minor cuts take longer to heal. Grief is tough work, and your body is using all of its energy to help you survive this loss.
Brain fog is real. You may find yourself staring at your computer screen at work, unable to remember what you are supposed to be doing. You might drive to the store and forget the reason for your visit. Your mind is preoccupied with processing sadness, which diminishes your capacity to manage daily tasks.
The Spiritual Dimension: Where Love Meets Eternity
Loss frequently raises the deepest questions we have about life, death, and what it all means. Whether you have always been religious, consider yourself spiritual but not religious, or have never given faith any attention, losing someone you care about might rock your worldview.
You may find yourself doubting everything. “If there’s a God, how could He let this happen?” “Where are they now?” “Will I ever see them again?” These are not evidence of weak faith—they are the thoughts of a heart attempting to make sense of the impossible.
You might feel their presence. Many people have reported feeling their loved one’s presence, smelling their perfume, hearing their voice, or even seeing them in dreams that seem more real than reality. Whether you feel these are genuine spiritual visits or your mind’s way of processing grief, they frequently provide solace. Trust what seems right for you.
Prayer may change. If you have previously prayed, you may find yourself praying in new ways, such as angry prayer, bargaining prayer, or praying through tears. If you’ve never prayed before, you may find yourself talking to a loved one, God, or the universe in an attempt to feel connected to something greater than your grief.
You might discover new spiritual practices. Lighting candles, visiting their grave, making shrines with their images, or seeking solace in nature may become hallowed traditions. These aren’t religious laws; they’re about making room for your love to exist even after death has changed its form.
Sacred writings and spiritual teachings may bring fresh comfort. Perhaps you find solace in words about eternal existence, or maybe Buddhist teachings about impermanence call to your heart. You may find solace in Native American beliefs about ancestors watching over us or strength in the Jewish tradition of chanting Kaddish. There is no proper spiritual route through loss; only the one that allows your heart to heal.
How to Care for Yourself When Everything Hurts
Healing from loss is more than just “getting over it”; it’s about discovering new ways to carry your love for them. Here are some gentle ways to care for yourself:
Respect your body’s needs, even if they differ from normal. If you can only eat soup for a month, consume soup. If you need to sleep on their pillow, do so. If you need to go for a stroll at 2 a.m. because that’s when the sadness hits hardest, do so safely.
Create rituals that are meaningful to you. Perhaps it’s drinking coffee with their photo every morning, playing their favorite music on their birthday, or volunteering for a cause they care about. These routines help you stay connected while acknowledging the changes.
Let others assist you, even if it’s difficult. When someone offers to bring dinner, accept. Allow a friend to sit with you as you cry. Accept your sister’s offer to assist you in sorting through their possessions. You don’t have to carry this alone.
Express your sadness in the way that feels right. Write them letters that you will never mail. Scream into the cushions. Create abstract representations of your feelings. Talk to them aloud. Record voice memos to share your day with them. There is no wrong way to express grief.
Be tolerant with your changing relationships. Some friends might not know what to say and withdraw. Others may surprise you with their level of attention. Some people say harmful things unintentionally (“At least they’re not suffering anymore,” “Everything happens for a reason”). Remember that most individuals have good intentions, even if their words miss the mark.
When Grief Feels Too Large to Carry Alone
Sometimes grief becomes so overpowering that you require expert assistance to navigate it. This is not failure; it is wisdom. Consider speaking with a counselor, therapist, or grieving specialist if:
- You’re thinking about joining your loved one in death
- You are unable to operate at work or meet basic necessities for several weeks
- You are using alcohol or drugs to relieve pain
- You’re having panic attacks or acute anxiety
- You feel completely numb and disconnected from life
- For months, you remain in the same stage of grieving without progressing
- Your grieving is exacerbated by guilt, trauma, or unresolved difficulties with your loved one
Many therapists specialize in grief counseling and understand that healing does not imply forgetting. They can assist you in determining how to honor your loved one while continuing to live.
How to Help Others Whose Hearts Are Broken
If someone you care about is mourning, your presence is more important than your words. Here’s how you show up:
Say their loved one’s name. Do not avoid discussing the deceased because you are scared it will make them sad. They’re already upset, and hearing their loved one’s name usually provides them comfort rather than further sorrow.
Provide particular assistance. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” say, “I’m going to the grocery store on Thursday—what can I pick up for you?” or “Can I come over Saturday morning to help with laundry?”
Remember the difficult days. Mark their loved one’s birth and death anniversary on your calendar. Send a text, offer flowers, or simply recognize that you understand it’s a difficult day. The fact that you recall demonstrates how much you care.
Don’t try to fix their pain. Avoid saying things like “They’re in a better place,” “God needed another angel,” or “You need to move on.” Instead, try “I’m so sorry,” “I love you,” or “Tell me about them.”
Keep including them. Do not stop inviting them to events simply because they may decline. Keep reaching out, keep including them in group texts, and keep treating them like the whole person they are—not just someone defined by their loss.
Finding Light in the Darkness: How Love Continues
No one tells you that grief fluctuates, yet it never totally goes away. And that’s actually a beautiful thing, because it means your love never goes away either.
Years from now, you might still cry when you hear their favorite song. You might still feel their absence at family gatherings. You might still have moments where you reach for your phone to call them before remembering they won’t answer. But you might also find yourself smiling when you remember their terrible jokes, feeling proud when you handle a situation the way they taught you, or sensing their love surrounding you during difficult times.
Their impact on you doesn’t end with death. The way they loved you, the lessons they taught you, the memories you shared—these become part of who you are. In living your life, you carry their influence forward. In loving others the way they loved you, you extend their reach into the world.
Grief and joy can coexist. One day, you might find yourself laughing at a funny memory of them, then feeling guilty for experiencing joy. But joy doesn’t dishonor their memory—it celebrates the love you shared. They wouldn’t want your happiness to die with them.
You can build a new relationship with them. This might sound strange, but many people find comfort in developing an ongoing relationship with their deceased loved one. You might still talk to your deceased loved one, ask for their guidance, or feel their presence during important moments. Love doesn’t end at death; it just changes form.
Your Grief Is Sacred
As you walk this difficult path, please remember: your grief is holy ground. It’s proof of love, evidence of connection, and a testament to the beauty of human bonds that not even death can completely sever.
There’s no timeline for healing, no right way to grieve, and no moment when you’ll be “done” missing them. But there will come a day when their memory brings more smiles than tears, when you can talk about them without your voice breaking, and when you realize that while they’re gone from this world, they’ll never be gone from your heart.
Your loved one would want you to keep living, keep loving, and keep becoming the person they believed you could be. Not because you should “move on,” but because you’re carrying their love forward in everything you do.
You’re not alone in this darkness. Your grief is witnessed, your love is honored, and your heart—however broken it feels right now—has the strength to heal while still holding them close.
Take it one breath at a time. That’s all anyone can ask of you right now.
